Tuesday, May 3, 2016

who is g.



"Hello?"
"Are you free?"
"Who is this."
"Ah...OK! We have an opportunity for you..."

I am on an airplane. It's severe clear

Airplanes. Yes.

__________________________

Option 1:

"I want you to write down all of your ideas/thoughts/etc. on one piece of paper and then slip it under my door within the next week. You know, just have a think (loved that.)

Shit.

He already knows. They already know. And now, here is the perfect, easy, I love this suggestion. Journaling since 7. I know this. Wheel house (hate that one). I'm helpless now. Get ready for Exposure, Susan. 

[Ha, Tom, this is so fun. Shelia: You guys are Such Men.]


Окай со ёу арье авот – oops – Okay, so, "You" are about to be Exposed, Susan. I am so incredibly sorry.

I have become the Leaky Bucket, dammit. (1!)
_________________________

Option 2:

Option 2. Sadly, it's hours later, I received the phone call you don't want to receive. When your friend lets you know that "g" is actually not "g" but her "g" and her "g" is Him. That guy, that dude, that psychopath who gets off on getting attention stalking people in her circle on the Internet.

Mostly, I feel stupid. I feel stupid because, earlier today I thought that "g" was either a former mentor, my good-natured ex-husband, or [this is so embarrassing], I don't know, God? I know that's dumb. I realize that is incredibly dumb, which is why I now feel so stupid.

Though the years, I've often written about why I write. I write not for You, but for Me. Managing Bipolar means managing things like memory loss [a side effect from some meds] and so I write for myself and use it as "bread crumbs" for when my brain shuts down and I feel Depressed.

Brand New Sour Milk has always been a refuge for me. It's been a place where I come to write to myself and to You. Because, for some weird reason, even though it is really private and personal stuff, I've always felt better when I write to You.

But now, sadly, You are no longer You. You are now a closed loop of [very awesome, wonderful] people who may or may not connect with what I write. You may not need it the way some people out there might. You read, and for that I am grateful. But now, since Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder Cyber Stalkers feed off of attention, my "You" is a much, much smaller circle. I can no longer reach out to the "you" who might also be struggling with Mental Illness. I can no longer be the life preserver that some Blogs have been for me. 

So, I'm Sad. Originally I was Angry [for the record, I was never Scared]. But Anger is a short hot flame that extinguishes fast for me. And then I become sad. And then [the saddest part] I begin to question myself. And that is the worst thing for someone like me to go through. 

When you are a Creative person, over-questioning yourself kills Creativity. When you no longer feel safe, you question your work and you shut down and it's like what was the fucking point of it all, anyway. 

But, what's more, when you are a Mental Health Advocate [I prefer not to see My People as "Mentally IIll"], you already question yourself hundreds and hundreds of times a day anyway. Sure, we all do, but, when you are constantly trying to hide how you are different, and your difference resides invisibly inside your brain, you do it even more.

So, I am sitting here, pathetically mapping out in my head all of my Social Media. I am checking and rechecking to make sure that it is all a closed loop. That part is not that sad. The sad part is that I am doubting myself. And when you start to doubt yourself, you doubt everything. I just feel naîve. Maybe I am too Optimistic about people. Maybe I am too Trusting of Humankind. I normally assume the best of people. And now I have to consider their worst. So, yeah, He got inside my head. Just a little bit.

With any type of stalker, that's all that they want. The just want in and then they want to mess with you. The want the reaction. Just like terrorists. I've never liked, though, how we Americans always talk big about not letting those terrorists get to us that's just what they want!!! But, it's like, if I get terrorized, I am going to feel terrorized. Yeah, I understand the whole Stand Down, Look the Other Way thing. But, it's tough. You have to be really Mindful. And Patient. And Smart. And, lucky me. I am really Mindful and Patient and Smart. And Pretty. So as soon as I hit Publish on this post, I am done with Him. He is petty while I am a rock star [you are, too].

I am tired and just kind of experiencing Generalized Disappointment In Humankind Disorder, but the good thing is that I bounce back fast. And maybe I can just pretend that "g" was one of the "gs" I had hoped it would have been. And maybe I can also rest my weary head, knowing that at least I now have You.

Status: Provocation Against Creativity Test - Passed
Status: Forgiving
Status: Unconditionally Loved Human Being
Status: Complete

Love,
Susan



1 comment:

  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LwGt9d1-lU

    ReplyDelete