Saturday, April 16, 2016

You Wouldn't Even Know Unless I Told You So.

Earlier this evening I was privatizing my Instagram account and hiding my blog, going dark from all social media, as you do. After avoiding Facebook for a week or so, I had posted one photo of my nephew and then fretted over whether or not it was the right thing to do. Next, I accidentally scrolled through the Facebook newsfeed, caught a few happy newlywed/baby/family pics and promptly hated myself and hid my cell phone. As you do. 

So, just a regular Friday night. 

And then, suddenly it was 11:00 PM. Sort of getting past my bedtime. Then it was 11:30...12:00 AM...I was in the middle of texting Jess, and the sleepover atmosphere was intoxicating and enlivening. Soon I was sending her Bitmojis and trailers from A View from the Top and Falling Down. We were text-laughing over how we were going to either become flight attendants or go ballistic on society (figuratively, of course).

Like a frozen fog lifting from the cold Russian tundra, my brain started to warm to a brisk Vermont and then to a balmy California. Finally, my head went from Blue to Red, and it was the first time in over a month. 

Ah, the relief. The joy. The feeling one gets when Depression lifts and Normal/Hypomania kicks in. It is like getting air in your lungs when you've been holding your breath for nights and days on end.

This time I'm learning something new. As I sit here in the middle of the night, capturing my thoughts (which I'll regret when I go back to Blue) in real time, it dawns on me that no matter how depressed I am, I still seem relatively "normal" and I am fairly "productive" to the outside world. To civilians who have no idea what it feels like to have a mood disorder. To you, who generously choose to read about my experience with Bipolar Disorder.

I have to capture it. And publish it. Because what happens is I will go back to sleep and sadly, wake up back to Blue. As I've mentioned before, Blue is about 85 - 90% of my existence. 

Red is like holidays. Or PTO. And Blue is "real life" but when Blue, my real life feels grittier in my head than it should. Ah, enduring life with a Mental Illness. As you do.

I am writing this to remind myself and to remind you too, Dear Reader, that no matter what color I am, whether Red, Blue or Green, I am still me. I am still Susan. And unless I choose to tell you, you wouldn't even know I had a mental illness unless I told you so.

Managing Life Like a (Broken) Boss,

1 comment:

  1. I love you Susan no matter what color you are ❤️πŸ’šπŸ’—πŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ’›Thanks for posting your blog. I miss seeing you in social media. You have a wonderful sense of humor, a loving heart and such an artistic flair!! I enjoy your photos and writing. πŸ’œ Embrace you! πŸ’š