Friday, April 1, 2016

Dear Me

I was driving home and found myself locked in the familiar thoughts (fears, failures, etc.) Then, suddenly, it hit me. Ruminating over fears, failures and have nots is not working for me. Thinking so negatively about these things, regardless of my mental health, is a completely useless exercise. I cannot go back in time and I cannot change the past. All I can do is make decisions and take action right now, in the present moment.

Growing up, my parents, teachers and coaches often told me, "Stop being so hard on yourself!" I usually thought it was just a nice thing for them to say, like, hey, here's a participant trophy! or something. But I think I missed the point, which was, seriously, you need to be nicer and go easy on yourself. 

The truth is, I am very tired of thinking negative thoughts. It takes a lot of energy. It feels like a 24/7 job to administer my own self-punishment. And, nobody wants me doing that to myself anyway. There is no mandate that I keep up the good work! on feeling like a failure. This hatefest is a silent, self-contained party of one. No one else would say the things to me that I say to myself. 

So, I think it's time I do something about this. It's time to commit to working on ending this table for one meal of misery. It's time to stop. When I think my negative thoughts I need to say, STOP. Then, when I start to think negative thoughts again, I need to say, STOP IT. And when I think them again, and again, and again, I need to say, I SAID STOP IT, DAMMIT.

Saying STOP to my negative thoughts...I think it's worth a shot.

Trying to stop,

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