Sunday, February 7, 2016

Thoughts on Blue




Tonight, while attempting (and failing) to relearn how to knit and attempting (and failing) to draw, um, draw a Dragon, I started to feel Blue creep in.

Ah, I see that you've arrived Blue. Shit shit fuck shit. 

For the past six days I have been chugging through Red and duct taped to a bucking mechanical bull. So I was honestly starting to look forward to a crash. 

But now that it is approaching I feel scared and also compelled to tell you what it feels like before I am completely depressed, paralyzed, mute. Blue started to show her claws right around when I was experiencing an epic fail at arts n' crafts night. I had made a trip to Michael's craft store in an attempt to pacify Dragon because she would not let up. I had already half-manically built a psychedelic showman in 15-minutes flat and shoveled the ice off the driveway for over an hour with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. Hey neighboors!!!


I used food coloring and yes, those are clementine eyes and one celery arm. 

Tonight, as I sat outside smoking a cigarette, the psychedelic snowman started to not look so funny (I had been laughing at him all afternoon). Now, as I saw him, pathetically standing in the middle of the yard, I thought, what was I thinking. And why did I post that piece of shit on Facebook. A couple of things:

Red gets me to do epic, crazy things like 

  1. Run five miles at fast speed
  2. Drive to South Dakota (a boy I was seeing last summer dumped me and I drove all the way over the state boarder cause I was mad. Sunroof open and plowing through cigarettes and candy)
  3. Impulsively get painful body piercings on a weekday afternoon (don't worry, those are long gone)
  4. Play guitar and belt out songs and do stand up comedy in my living room cause I'm convinced I'll one day be famous
  5. Buy random shit because I feel some mystical certainty about needing things
  6. Build a snowman and squirt food coloring all over (my fingers are still dyed blue)

Usually what happens when I crash, I look back on Red actions and think what the FUCK was I thinking?? It's horrible, questioning yourself with the same level of embarrassment of doing an ill-advised dance move at the prom. 


The scene where, a few short hours ago, the world felt like my oyster as I embarked in arts n' crafts shopping

It's like the magic power that makes you see things (Red) turns bad and instead of seeing things you start to think things (Blue). Bad things.  

What kinds of bad things?

  1. I suck. I'll never amount to anything
  2. Why, seriously why did I do... (x,y,z)
  3. I don't want to go out, I don't want to shower (ugh, that's so weird how I wear red lipstick while Red)
  4. I can't talk to anyone (when Blue I completely avoid my phone and regret making plans with friends while Red). I just want to lie in bed, locked in my obsessive thoughts
  5. Food is not fun (when I'm Red candy and fast food feel like the best invention, ever)
  6. It would be nice if the airplane crashed so I could just be done but dying wouldn't be my fault
This week I (of course) started seeing dragons everywhere

This one particularly freaked me out cause it looked just like the book cover and was kind of iridescent just like I described 


What's hard about mental illness is that you can't see it. You can't see how tortured I am by my mind and how much I am suffering. And you don't understand it (hence my attempts to tell you how it is). People give me well-meaning suggestions like, Why don't you just try to relax and read a book? That might help you...snap out of this? But, that doesn't help. 

That's like telling someone with brain cancer that eating more vegetables might make his tumor stop growing. 

So, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you that might help me. Soon I'll be back in full-blown Blue and, just a heads up, I won't want to see you, I won't want to do anything. I won't post to social media and I sure as hell won't write tell-all blog posts (if, at anytime, you try to read this blog and it tells you that you need to sign into Google that means that I am Blue and therefore have become horrified by my writing and shut down my blog).

I guess, just...
  1. Keep supporting me, tell me that you get it and that you are here 
  2. Keep responding with humor. One friend wrote great replies to my manic photos on my Instagram
  3. Don't give up on me, even when I want to give up on myself

Thank you so much,
Susan




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