Sunday, March 15, 2009


What is wrong with this picture?

Possible answers:

A. Liquids are sitting on electronic device
B. That is a picture of a blog, on a blog
C. It appears someone is blogging under the influence?
D. That whiskey bottle is pathetically small, most-likely from a mini-bar?

If the answer is not as obvious as a Princeton Review question from the back of the book, you obviously do not spend much time comparing relative sizes of laptop key boards to mini airplane liquor bottles. The answer is, of course, D.

I love this. I am listening to Louie Austen sing One Night in Rio and his accent just kills me. He speaks almost perfect English, but his Austrian slant gives his talk-singing a youthful navité. Kinda like my youthful beverage of Dr. Pepper and Jack Daniel's. The last time I heard this song on this Hôtel Costes 5 album was last week when I was cramming away for my presentation.

After that presentation I swore off the Internet (well, the fun parts of the Internet) for one week. Today, I came back to the world of Social Networking and Generation Y's Wet n' Wild 2.0. Upon logging on to Facebook after a seven-day absence, the only thing we could say as we started blankly at each other was, "Oh. It's you."

I felt that way about Facebook and Facebook felt that way about me. It is almost as though we took a mutual break, and now we both want to prove to the other that we had tons of fun without each other. Example:

Facebook: "Oh. It's you. Nice hair. I see you've dyed it since we last spoke. What other soul-searching activities have you been up to lately?"

Me: "What the F –?"

Facebook: "Oh, no, no, nevermind (Facebook stiffles giggle). Um, so I like, totally rebranded my home page while you were gone. No bigs."

Me: "Yeah. I see that. And it seems like your new home page is all the rage, FB. Seems like you are almost as cool as Twitter, these days, although, I don't think Rick Sanchez on CNN thinks you are as hot as that cute little Tweet Machine."

Facebook: "Rick Sanchez can have his Twitter. He is all mixed up with that MySpace 1990's trash, too, so whatever. Hey there, I noticed that after SEVEN DAYS away from me, all you have in your inbox is some random invite to a Lil' Green Patch App and a Charity Event. Nice going with those 409 'friends'"

Me: Shut up, Facebook. You are just pissed cause people are ditching you left and right. Seems like those new, ah, 'policies' are working real well for you –"

Facebook: "Quiet about THAT. We are working it out with our lawyers, OK? Man, you really are a total Social Networking Bitc–"

Me: "Well YOU are a SELL OUT!"

Facebook: "LEAVE IT. You LONELY slu$!"
And that was how my first day back with Facebook went.

On top of this, I actually did quite a bit of work today, too, naively motivated by the false hope that something fun might happen in my life tonight. Besides discovering an awesome combo of DP and Jack, I am alone, writing, and did not find fun tonight. But, I actually do have fun when I write. I especially have fun when I have no agenda in a post which is exactly the 'sich we have going on for us right now.

Don't worry, gentle reader, I can tell you are nervous. I can tell that you are afraid that I might blow it because I am doin a little BWI (Blogging While Intoxicated), but we are really only talking about a small buzz that I have strapped on – I mean, you saw the miniscule size of that bottle.

K. Storytime. I want to tell you about something SO WEIRD, that if you have ANY IDEA about what I am talking about, we most definitely are twin sibs who lost each other at birth. The reason I say this is because the only person who seemed to even get this story was my brother, and he is the only person I know who is as weird as I am. In fact, in honor of his understanding and sympathetic nature, I hereby dedicate this blog entry to my brother. Onward...


Have you ever heard of something called, The Gerson Therapy?

(I will give you time to check out the link and educate yourself if you happen to be one of those studious Google nerds like me. You can also check out some great clips on You Tube).

Long story short, The Gerson Therapy is this natural, all-encompassing vegan/juicing/coffee enema program created by Dr. Max Gerson in the 1920's. The program has had miraculous results for curing cancer and other diseases that plague our poor human bodies. (Btw, yes, you did read "coffee enemas" correctly, but we will get to that).

Well, as you know, I am a documentary nut. I just get sucked into documentaries and latch onto convincing ideas and theories like a leech on a bloody toe (eww, I despise leeches). Not only do I love documentaries, but I also have the completely ghetto Basic Cable package service of 12 1/2 channels offered by Comcast. What is the correlation?

Well, there is this old documentary floating out there on cable access and it is a convincing, riveting, emotional account of The Gerson Therapy – the history of Max Gerson, his surviving (amazing!) daughter Charlotte, and stories of all the cancer patients who have been given new life through this diet/health regimen. In case I have already lost you, where we are at is:

Crappy as* basic cable TV package = Inevitable viewing of random cable access channels + Gerson Therapy Documentary playing multiple times per week on cable access = I HAVE SEE THE GERSON THERAPY DOCUMENTARY OVER THREE DOZEN TIMES IN THE PAST TWO YEARS

To say that I have been influenced by this revolutionary health program is an understatement. If I skim past channel six and I hear that familiar flute music and see the leaves blowing in the wind at the organic farms, take in the colorful imagery of fruits and veggies being juiced by the big steel juicer while the cherub-like Charlotte Gerson chit chats about toxicity and vitamin deficiencies as the culprits of human misery, for the life of me I cannot look away from the TV screen. From there, I must watch the rest of the documentary, even though I have seen it many, many times.

Let's jump back to present moment. Yesterday, in fact. I will admit that I have my fair share of multiple strange obsessions throughout each and every month (i.e. buying jewelry on, adopting cats from the Humane Society, trying out for Roller Girls, becoming a Mary Kay rep), this oddity really caught me big yesterday.

I was, of course, watching The Gerson Therapy documentary. I happened to hop online and stalk out Gerson for a bit. I am endlessly fascinated by the idea of drinking all this amazing organic pressed fruit/veggie juice, taking supplements, eating all vegan, then doing these coffee enemas to clean out the liver once the body is overloaded by all the toxins that have been released by this exquisite eating. I mean, I just LOVE that whole detoxifying concept. Needless to say, the closest I have come to doing a detox myself is to skip drinking Coke for a few days, but still, the idea of detoxifying the body is fascinating to me. It is also absolutely wonderful that cancer patients have seen their tumors disappear, but just imagine what a regular healthy chubby kid like me might gain from this program. Nirvana? Super Model Status? Friends on Facebook?

Anyway, so I'm tooling around looking at Gerson stuff online, and I come across something that literally stops me in my tracks.

"New Gerson Therapy Program! Charlotte Gerson Health Restoration Center. Do you know anyone who wants to:
  • Learn and experience the Gerson Therapy for a Week?
  • Get hands on juicing and cooking experience?
  • Receive a personalized daily protocol based on medical history and recent blood work?
  • Have lunch with Charlotte Gerson?
  • Participate in a program focused on wellness?
(located in CA, costs $$$$, etc. etc.)"

Holy S#*$! Yes, I know someone who wants that – ME!

It also happens that this program is taking place the week following the week I am going out to Seattle/Portland. Dreams of taking another week off and cleansing my soul out with my girl Charlotte (she looks just like my Grandma Nina did, btw)... I don't care if I have to split it between two credit cards, I'M DOING THIS.

I call my mom.

My mom has just gotten over a case of the stomach flu and she is on her way to a funeral when she receives my phone call:

"But mom, this is my DREAM. This could change my life forever. I may never have a chance like this again!"

"There are coffee enemas? Susan, you cannot listen to everything you hear on infomercials, let's discuss this later, do NOT –"

"No, mom, this is not from some infomercial. This is that cancer documentary I am always telling you about? The Gerson Therapy with the juicing?"

"We still have your juicer from high school, why don't you try that and just get yourself to the gym first."

"Mom. This is like. Way, way, bigger than what you are thinking about. And I can MEET Charlotte Gerson and EAT LUNCH WITH HER!"

"But, Susan, you do not HAVE cancer."

"Mom, I know, but think about how much better I would feel and how much more clearly I could think –"

"DO NOT sign up for anything."


I spend a few more minutes sulking while watching YouTubes about Gerson stuff. I take things up a notch and decide to call the center in San Diego, just to chat with a real, live Gerson Guru. A woman answers:

"Gerson Institute, how can I help you?"

(I flush with star-struck excitement)

"Yes! I have seen your stuff! I have seen the show! I am relatively healthy but I usually feel kind of off and I think that this therapy would change my life. I see that you are offering a week-long program for people who are not seriously ill so that they can try this therapy, which is a great idea, and I –"


"Oh, yes? I'm sorry. Yes, yes?"

"I am going to have to call you back, OK, dear? We are in a meeting for another 20 minutes."

"Oh! OK! Here's my number..."

I pace my apartment, flushed with the possibilities of where my life might be going. The voice of my practical and world-wise mother keeps sneaking into my mind, but I shrug it off, knowing that sometimes dousing your credit card with debt in order to create real life change is necessary...

Then, just to get some perspective, I decide to call my brother.

"Hey, Suze."

"Blaaaahhhhh GERSON! blaaaaaah ONLY $$$$$! blaaaaaaa CHANGE MY LIFE! blaaaaaaaah MOM SAYS blahhhhhhhh!"

And then, my brother, who, in truth, is pretty much my most favorite person in the world (next to Charlotte Gerson), talks some sense into me:

"Suze. OK. I hear you that this is probably an amazing program. And I understand what it is like to get excited about a crazy thing like this. I mean, it is like when I thought I wanted to get salt water fish–"

"You wanted to get salt water fish?"

"Yes, yes, clown fish, and it would have been crazy expensive to buy the tank and they would have all died by now. I also thought I wanted to get a beer making kit."

(See, me and my one and only sib. We get these ideas)

"But, what I realized, is that sometimes you just need to try out a piece of that lofty goal, OK? So, like, instead of making beer, I just went out and tried some new beers. Maybe for you, instead of throwing down to go all-out on this program, maybe you could like, just go to the gym some more and try incorporating some fresh foods. You know, there are also those things like cutting out caffeine and alcohol" [Noted.] "And in the meantime, why don't you save up that money and someday, if you still want to, you can go to that Gerson place. Besides, Suze, once you do that whole extreme juicing thing, you probably have to go all out. This way, you can just be a little bit healthier, and still eat fried foods sometimes if you want. I bet those Gerson people do not get to do that."

"Yeah, but, Charlotte is like, in her 80's at least. I really, really want to meet her."

"Well, apparently if she is this healthy she should be around for a long time."

"OK. Yeah, that all does make sense. I think you are right."

Somehow my brother was able to offer me the same advice as my mom, but he packaged it up in a way that felt more actionable and less, well, "you-are-crazy-with-this-coffee-enema-sh**"

I did at one point hang up on my brother because the Gerson Institute called me back after their meeting was over. The woman told me I would be "receiving an email from Dr. Smith." After receiving that email, I wrote a heartfelt email back that this program would change my life and that I will be saving up to one day attend the special program for people to try the therapy and would she please let me know if there will be future events with Mrs. Gerson or is this a one-time event? (You know, just to be sure). I have not yet received an email back.

Now that I have told you this tale, I am, by this hour, sobered up and it occurs to me that the original subject of this post is completely counter to the eventual topic of The Gerson Therapy - The Mecca of Health and Happiness versus drinking while online. Perhaps someday I will have enough money to go juice out all the toxins from my unhealthy, BWI lifestyle.

Till then, I will try to keep my alcohol consumption under the legal limit while blogging. (The legal limit being, whatever blood alcohol level equals not spilling liquids on my laptop?)


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